Sad Mom

So yesterday I took a "mental health" day, or you might more correctly call it a "mental break down" day. It was one of those days where I just needed to cry and scream a little bit (OK~ a lot). Have you had one of those days?? My poor husband has no idea what to do with me on these days because no matter what he does, it's wrong.

Don't worry, today I am feeling much better. But I want to take this opportunity to talk about it while the feelings are still fresh on my mind. As I have mentioned on other occasions, depression comes frequently into my life. I am currently choosing to forgo medicine and rely upon my God to see me through. Someday, that may change. For now, my depression is situational and is usually triggered by ongoing stress. I can become depressed because of my struggle as a mom and maintaining my home, but also because of my past. It rarely lasts more than a day. I have a plan in place and I use it. I do believe that God is still molding me.

I wrote this yesterday in the midst of my pain so I could remember and relay to you the feelings deep within me. For my friends and family, please do not be alarmed. I want to be real in this mommy blog. I am not a "fluff-n-stuff" kind of mom. And there are so many moms out there who struggle with these same feelings. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! All mommy's are not happy every day of their lives. There are some, yes, but not all. And I refuse to pretend that I am one of those moms. So here it is...

Invisible
I am the incredible shrinking woman
I am the disappearing girl.
I am invisible.
No one sees me.
No one hears me.
No one listens to what I have to say.
Darkness surrounds me.
Death consumes me.
I am alone.
All alone.
So why am I here?
Often I can go an entire day without one voluntary human touch.
The only time I am touched is usually because I am in the way and have been run into.
The only time I am noticed is when I stop doing and being.
Where is my shirt?
Where is my dinner?
I need to go to practice!
It’s not working!!
So why am I here?
No one sees me.
No one hears me.
No one listens to what I have to say.
I am here to serve.
And I am supposed to serve with joy in my heart.
But today the joy has vanished and it is hiding somewhere far, far away.
I have no energy.
I have no strength.
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
I want to be seen.
I want to be heard.
I want someone, anyone, to listen to me.
The world will go on without me.
So why am I here?
I want someone to pretend they care.
I want someone with the time to listen to me cry.
It is so hard in this sad world to find the joy that I so desperately seek.
I am here to serve.
Today I am trying to serve my family.
I have it all wrong.
And I know it.
I want to wallow in my self-pity for a while.
I want to feel and fully know the sadness, the darkness within me.
I know that He is here with me.
He has held me all day.
At one point, it was He who held me back.
I will rest in His arms tonight.
I will wake in the morning and seek out His joy.
I will never find it or fully comprehend it.
Until I die.
Tomorrow I will seek Him.
I will serve Him.
His grace is sufficient for me.

So this is how I feel, but what does the Bible say about depression? The Bible doesn't directly speak of depression (meaning that I cannot find one verse that has the word"depression" in it), but I do know that David struggled with it. So I look to the Psalms. Since this blog seems unending right now, today I will focus only on how David felt when he was depressed.

The Bible vividly describes depression as...

• a feeling of abandonment (even Jesus felt this way Matthew 27:46; Mark 14:34; Psalm 13:1; Psalm 22:1 )
• feeling all alone (Psalm 13)
• feels like it will never end (Psalm 13)
• begins in my head, with my thoughts (Psalm13)
• a feeling that satan and my enemies have won (Psalm 13)
• surrounded by death and destruction (Psalm 18:4-5)
• distressed (Psalm 18:6)
• feeling faint, bones in agony (Psalm 6:2)
• feeling empty, heart aching, weak, strength is dried up, cannot speak (Psalm 22:14)
• worn out, groaning, weeping all night (Psalm 6:6)
• weak with sorrow (Psalm 6:7)
• unceasing anguish in my heart (Romans 9:2)

This is how it feels- physically, emotionally, and mentally. If you have ever had depression, you know these symptoms well. This is exactly how I feel when I am in my own little funk. Fortunately, I have a God who wrote these words and knows how I feel. He understands my pain to the depths of my soul.

And tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will share what the Bible says I should do in these times of deep sorrow. Until then, I am finding joy in Him.

Karin