Me, Me, Me

I was slapped in the face today by my own selfishness. Every morning when I have my quiet time with God, I always ask Him to guide my studies; to open my ears so I can hear His voice. I specifically pray Psalm 25:4-5. And this morning, I was smacked upside the head!!

I am a selfish person by nature. God created us all that way. But, I believe that I am even more selfish than most because I am the baby of my family and I am most undoubtedly spoiled rotten. I am used to having what I want, when I want it. I am used to doing things my way. I even have a husband who is willing to give me anything my heart desires. I am always right and I aways win.

But as a mom I cannot be selfish. I am forced into servanthood. This can be very exhausting for me. It is one of my greatest frustrations of motherhood. Lately, I have discovered that when I get angry or aggravated, it is most often for selfish reasons. For example, when I am trying to do something like pee or shower and I get interrupted. Or I want to eat a hot meal. Or I want all three children to do exactly what I say, when I say it. I want my kids to be perfect little angels. I have places to be and people to see! I want just one good night's sleep. I want! I want! I WANT!!

I was angry yesterday afternoon when I picked up my foster daughter from summer camp. She was misbehaving AGAIN! They wanted to suspend her for another day. She has already been suspended once and picked up early on several occasions due to her behavior and we've only begun the third week. I don't think she's been there more than a combined total of three days since she started. I decided to just pull her from the program. I couldn't stand the thought of another day waiting for my phone to ring with a disgruntled teenage counselor on the other end. When we got home I sent her to her room. She quietly apologized to me for telling her teacher "You're not my boss," and went to her room without saying a word. (note~ my foster daughter is neither quiet nor does she ever stop talking.) She knew she was in trouble!

I was angry and I really wanted to be angry at her. But then I realized why I was so angry. It wasn't because she had misbehaved repeatedly despite my efforts as a mom. It wasn't because she had to be chased on several occasions down the hall by three screaming adults. Our little girl is a good little girl. She is busy and she certainly demands a lot of attention. But she's in foster care. She has issues. She is going to test her boundaries, especially with naive, inexperienced teenagers. To be perfectly honest, I was angry because she had messed up my plans. Summer camp was an opportunity for me to spend some time with two less children. Now I will have two toddlers at home with me until school comes to save me in September. I wanted a break this summer. I wanted time for me. I wanted some time to write this blog without interruption. I wanted. I wanted. I WANTED!!!!

When I really think about it though, what do I really, really want?? What does my selfish heart desire?? A million dollars would be nice. A magic floor that never got dirty would be helpful. Maybe a lock on the bathroom door. I know positively, without a doubt, what I really, really want more than anything in this whole world. And I know I want it because I ask my God for it every night in my children's bedtime prayers. I just want joyful, God-fearing kids. That's it. I want them to love God and know the love of God. If I accomplish this, then my journey through motherhood will have been a success.

I have a note from my oldest son on my dresser. I read it every day as I am getting ready. He wrote it on one of my "bad mommy" days. He wrote it in hopes that he would see his "happy mommy" soon. He wanted me to smile. He wrote "I love you no matr wat!" My son loves me like Christ loves him~ unselfishly and sacrificially. And they both love me when I am good or bad, happy or sad or even angry and self-seeking. I want to be a good mom without my own agenda. I want to be the mom that stops everything to give her children anything. I want to serve my God by serving my kids. I don't want to be selfish anymore.

I called my foster daughter out of her room and gave her hug. Today we went to the movies and had popcorn and soda and candy. We played with the toys at the toy store and laughed at the parrot that repeated everything we said. My dishes are dirty and phone calls are unreturned. I'm clearing my calendar of what I want to do and planning to have a great summer with my little ones.

Something to think about (and maybe share with the rest of us)...
1. What do you really, really want??


Lovin Christ,
Me

P.S. I realize that this blog comes right after one that talks about "me-time". There is a balance. Somewhere. Philippians 2:4